The 2019 List of Things Black People Are Too Ashamed to Talk About

You’ve seen them before.

They are your friends, neighbors and coworkers. They lurk in the shadows bouncing back and forth on the balls of their feet like a skilled double-dutch dancer ready to hop between the twirling ropes and derail any conversation about race, police brutality, politics, or white supremacy. They are opinionated, they are relentless, and they are everywhere.

They are the “whatabouts.

Whether it’s black-on-black crime or illegal immigration, whatabouts maintain that the negro retina is blind to certain facts that would disprove the existence of racism and officially certify America as a post-racial society. They actually believe black people refuse to acknowledge or admit we have shortcomings.

So, in an attempt at becoming more efficient, we’ve compiled this handy-dandy list of oft-used topics raised repeatedly by black conservatives, Facebook trolls and people who once fantasized about living in the apartment across from Ross, Chandler, and Joey. Feel free to bookmark this link and forward it whenever a random whatabout employs this technique in an argument to make themselves look smart or feel like they’re not a part of the problem.

1. Black people need to stop killing each other and talk about black-on-black crime.

Dear black people,

Murder is bad.

I know. I know you’ve heard this in every barbershop, church and family event, but there are people who believe we rejoice in pain, crime, and death or avoid the subject altogether. Even though white people can never explain why they should be privy to conversations black people have among each other, they believe they know what we don’t talk about. They apparently assume that negroes throw a parade whenever a black person kills another black person, and after the confetti celebrating a successful black-on-black crime is swept away, we never speak about the subject.

Until now.

In most cities, the number of community organizations, church initiatives, youth groups, nonprofits, fraternal organizations, after-school programs, charities, and collectives dedicated to furthering education, reducing crime, and finding alternatives to violence far exceeds the number of organizations like the hated Black Lives Matter. There are far more peace rallies than protest rallies.

For all of 2018, I kept a running tally of community events in Birmingham, Ala. Using an admittedly unscientific method consisting of news stories, Facebook events, Eventbrite invitation, press releases, and Google alerts, I counted 68 unity events, peace marches, stop-the-violence rallies, and community forums.

There were only 14 events related to police brutality or Black Lives Matter.